


In which E.T. should most definitely NOT phone home

by Jellyfishmurderer, sarcasticGear



Series: In Which Four Mutant Trolls Barely Old Enough To Be Enlisted Somehow Escape Culling, Crash On An Alien Planet And Are Found By A Young Native, Who Proceeds To Fall In Pity With The Skyblood. Sheaningans Ensue And Many Quadrants Are Filled. [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: 'Cuz they have nothing better to do with their time, ANYWAY WE GOT ART, Also John has them Mental Powers, Also Karkat is of course confused by quadrants, And Karkat is just too nice to leave them die, And they may end up censoring fandom-oriented sites such as Ao3, Everyone is around 18?, F/F, F/M, Gen, Hiding aliens at home is a Bad Idea fam, I have no idea if I'll get to actually finish this story since I'm European, Let's pray fellas, M/M, Oh there are helsmen, Personal headcanons about trolls, Possible violence, Probably not graphic but I'm not taking any chances, REALLY NICE ART, Rose may or not have an ashen boner for John, Species swap au, The backstory behind this is weird as hell, The beta kids are mutant trolls who escaped HIC somehow, There will be gore!, Trollified names, Yeah plotholes ftw!, aaaah I'm in love with it I swear to god, and the FBI totally believes anonymous alien sightings, because I'm basic, but I also enjoy making John shamelessly OP, but they're grubs, er I swear I'll explain later, i dunno man, idk this rp isn't even remotely finished as I write this, obviously, there are way too few Johnkat fanfictions around here lately, this comes from a msparp rp, way too convenient mental powers, yep it's a deus ex machina to make them talk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-18
Updated: 2018-09-11
Packaged: 2018-09-17 07:40:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9311885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jellyfishmurderer/pseuds/Jellyfishmurderer, https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarcasticGear/pseuds/sarcasticGear
Summary: With friends like yours, your life has never been quiet or "normal". Nothing like this, however, had ever happened to you.Your name is Karkat Vantas, and a spaceship just landed in your lawn.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Jellyfishmurderer](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jellyfishmurderer/gifts).



> As I'm posting this, I have no idea how the HTLM turned out. Meep. Also, I just wanted to say that this has been probably my favourite rp on MSparp and, just. Weh.

\--ghostyTrickster [GT] opened the communications--

 

GT: guys? are you there?  
GT: ... hello?  
GT: ... guys???  
TT: I'm okay.  
GG: im here!!  
TG: were All Alive eHbert cAlm your rumbleSpHereS And untwiSt your pAntieS  
GT: jeez, sorry for 8eing worried for you, assho}e.  
GG: yeAh dAvvid, he wAs worried for *us* >;)  
GG: dont be A butt!  
TG: yeAH yeAH wHAtev  
TG: i Aint tHe one HAving A pAnic Attack over notHing  
GT: hey!!!!!!!!  
TT: Jhawnn, don't you hav£ proc£dures to follow now?  
GT: uh?  
GT: oh, um, right.  
GT: turntechGodhead, tentac{eTherapist, gardenGnostic, report status.  
TT: t£ntacl£Th£rapist h£r£. The ship has not r£port£d damag£ with the tak£off.  
GG: this is so silly, but gArdengnostic here! im okAy too!  
TG: turntecHgodHeAd Here im glAd to SAy tHAt im Still AS rAd AS ever  
GG: soooooooo... not At All? >;)  
TG: oH SnAp  
TG: cAreful witH tHoSe BurnS HAlley you migHt Hurt Someone  
GT: um...  
GG: you meAn like the wAy you do with your "sick beats"? cuz theyre pretty Afwul!   
TG: gASp  
TG: you dAre inSulting A mAnS Sick BeAtS?  
TG: tHe lAdy tAlkS ABout not Being ASSeS And tHen pullS tHiS SHit  
TG: im SHocked except not At All  
GT: um, guys...  
GG: its not insults, just sAying whAt everyone thinks of your music >XD  
GT: guuuuuuuuys...  
TG: gASp  
TG: i Am outrAged  
GT: rhozze, he}p me.  
Gt: p}ease.   
TT: Pl£as£ r£frain from blackflirting right now. W£ hav£ mor£ important things to worry about.  
GT: thank you.  
TG: wHAt  
TG: wAit no tHAts not it At All  
GG: WHaT???  
GG: oh, eeeeeew, i didnt meAn it like thAt, i wAs just kidding!!! D:<  
GG: i Actually like your music, dAvvid > :(  
TG: conSider me flAttered  
GT: ...anyway. davvid?  
TG: yeAH?  
GT: you said you wanted to te}} me something 8efore we took off?  
TT: Oh? *Rais£s £y£brow*  
TG: oH  
TG: um  
TG: yeAH  
GT: ?  
TG: *tHAt* tHing  
TG: tHAt iS indeed A tHing i SHould tAlk to you ABout  
TT: ... Jaaid£, didn't you say you want£d to show m£ som£thing on a privat£ chat?  
GG: ... no?  
TT Jaaid£, th£ thing...  
GG: ... oooooooh! *the* thing!  
GG: hmm, yeAh...

\--tentacleTherapist [TT] and gardenGnostic [GG] left the chat--

GT: ... why did they }eave?  
TG: HAHA idk tHoSe two Are A myStery rigHt  
GT: ... yeah, i guess.  
GT: so? what did you want to te}} me?  
TG: So  
TG: yeAH  
TG: um  
TG: Jeez tHiS iS wAy more AwkwArd tHAn How i tHougHt it would Be  
GT: come on, you can te}} me.  
TG: yeAH yeAH i know  
TG: juSt  
TG: i didnt even know if we were gonnA mAke it wHen i told you i wAnted to tell you SometHing  
GT: ... this sounds really important.  
TG: it SortA iS  
TG: no okAy it definitely iS  
TG: tHe tHing iS  
TG: uH  
GT: ...  
GT: ... davvid?  
TG: AlrigHt AlrigHt give me A Second  
GT: ... okay...  
GT: ... dude, you  
TG: i tHink im pAle for you  
GT:  
GT: oh  
GT: oh jeez  
GT: i, uh, wasn't expecting something like that.  
GT: wait, uh, you're not pranking me, are you????????  
TG: dude  
TG: im downrigHt inSulted By SucH A queStion  
TG: i wouldnt joke ABout tHiS  
GT: ... oh.  
GT: we}}.  
TG: tHiS iS getting reAl AwkwArd reAl fASt JuSt Hurry up And reJect me eHbert  
GT: woah woah woah, who ever said anything a8out rejection?  
GT: }et me ta}k, jeez.  
GT: or, uh, write, i guess.  
GT: ... so you, uh.  
GT: want to 8e my moirai}?  
TG: well Sure AS Hell not kiSmeSeS yA cAtcH my drift  
TG: So uH  
TG: dyou feel tHe SAme or nAH  
GT: we}}. i mean.  
GT: ... yeah.  
GT: this is so awkward, agh!  
TG: Boy you tell me  
GT: haha, yeah.  
GT: hey, davvid?  
TG: yeAH?  


\--ghostyTrickster [GT] 's connection timed out!--

TG: ... JHAwnn?

 

\---------------------

 

CG: ALRIGHT, THEN I'LL SEE YOU THERE I GUESS.  
TC: CaN't WaIt To SeE yOu, KaRbRo  
CG: ... HOLD ON A FUCKING MINUTE.  
TC: WhAt Is It BeSt FrIeNd?  
CG: ... I HEARD SOMETHING OUTSIDE.  
CG: I'LL BE THERE SOON, JUST LET ME CHECK OUTSIDE.  
CG: IT'S PROBABLY JUST A RACOON, BUT BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY.  
TC: OkAy :o)

 

\--carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering terminallyCapricious [TC]\--


	2. ==> Karkat: check outside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It wasn't a racoon.

You blink, your eyes wide. Your name is Karkat Vantas, and someone must be pranking you.

  
That, or a spaceship just landed into your back lawn, and haha, no, yeah, thanks but no thanks.

  
… Oh god a spaceship just landed in your lawn.

  
You think you’re gonna puke.

  
You step forward hesitantly, the tips of your fingers brushing against the door (?) of the thing, looking for a confirmation of its actual existence, only to flinch back as if you’ve been burned when it rattles in response. Holy shit.

  
You step back, terrified out of your mind, as the door rattles again and then slams open.

  
“Holy shit” you whimper, red eyes as big as plates, as a gray-skinned… guy falls out of it. You stare in horror as it tries weakly to lift itself on its arms, looking at you tiredly, before collapsing again.

  
You stand there, frozen in shock for a few seconds, before running to help the guy like an idiot.  
Because you’re exactly that.

  
An idiot.

 

==> Don't stand there like a braindead moron, help the guy!

 

It takes you a second to hear the tiny voice telling you to just bring the alien (??!?!!!??!??) inside. Also because right now, the huge majority of your brain is just repeating “WHAT THE FUCK” in loop.

  
Hey, it’s completely understandable, in this case.

  
Now that you’re right next to it, it doesn’t look as… alien as the aliens in ET, Mass Effect and other things. I mean- yeah, it has grey skin, and pointed ears, and slim, ram-like, brightly colored horns, and a slick, bright blue fluid is coming out of its head (is it blood? Holy shit), but it has two legs, two arms, a head. When you finally manage to roll it over without feeling like throwing up, you see it even has a pair of glasses.

  
And buckteeth.

  
Creepily pointed buckteeth.

  
Okay.

  
As you slip your arms around its chest, you have to make a conscious effort not to throw up because it's cold, and its blood is blue, and it has horns and it looks dead and the whole situation is just so fucking surreal because you are dragging an alien in your FUCKING HOUSE, in case it wasn’t clear, ok??

  
Yes, this is messing you up a tiiiiny bit.

  
Just a bit.

  
You almost jump out of your skin when the thing whimpers. Shit, did you hurt it? Alright, alright.

  
You loosen your hold a bit and slow down, just in time to see it open its eyes, looking completely exhausted. You stare at its uneven eyes (golden sclera, blue iris, one eye has a bigger pupil? Or maybe just more than the other. They’re still stunning in some way), frozen on the spot, as it warbles something unintelligible and falls unconscious yet again.

  
Okay. Okay. Unconscious alien? You can deal with this. Just put him on the couch, or something, and then ~~freak out~~ think about the situation.

… Jesus, you hope the blood doesn’t stain.

 

==> Karkat: realize what just happened

 

As it (he?) rests on your couch, you do your best not to hyperventilate, fingers buried in your hair and nails digging in your scalp.

  
You pace nervously around the room, stopping to look at your lawn from the door, half-expecting the ship to be gone.

  
It’s not, haha.

  
You have a spaceship in your lawn.

  
You have a spaceship in your lawn, and its pilot is on your couch, bleeding blue blood all over the fabric.

  
God, how do you end up in these situations?

  
You almost swallow your own tongue when a soft sound comes from the alien.

  
You turn around and stare as the guy sits up, fatigued. His eyes open wearily, his gaze stopping on you. You freeze as the alien opens his mouth, as if to speak (Jesus, look at those _teeth_ ), but instead starts coughing, blood splattering on his palm.

  
"Oh my god" you whisper, taking a step back.

  
This was a huge mistake, you just brought an alien in your house, what's wrong with you??

  
He's gonna kill you. He's gonna kill you and the baseball bat and the shitty knife your dad wanted you to keep at home "just in case" won't do shit, because they're in your room and the alien is here and, shit, what will Gamzee think? Will he get worried when he won't see you? How long before he calls Terezi or Sollux, probably too high to call the police? (Will he call at all, or will he completely forget?)

  
... Shit, who will be the one to find your eviscerated body, after the alien eats all your internal organs?

  
'Cause yeah. You know that's what will happen. This guy has fangs, horns and claws, what else can happen?

  
Except that, uh. He just sat down on the floor, shoulders slumped in exhaustion, curling up on himself like something, uh... that curls up. Not really intimidating at all.

  
You relax a bit as he takes off his eyes from you, but tense all over again when his back starts shaking, head on his knees.

  
... Oh holy hell. He's crying.

  
This is ridicolous.

  
"Are..." you can't believe you're doing this, goddamnit "Are you okay?"

  
His pointed ears flicker a bit, and he looks up, his eyes (bigger than a human's) wide open and fixed on you.

  
You swallow thickly and step closer (but still at at least two arms' lenght from him. He has _claws_ , and you don't want him to, like grab you and literally tear you a new one or something).

  
"Uh... you- you're okay, alright? I'm not gonna hurt you." The issue is more like _him_ being able to hurt you, but whatever. "Just, uh. Calm down. And stuff."

  
He blinks at you, a black sleeve coming up to wipe the blue-colored tears from his face. He seems to be calming down, however, so victory, you guess?

"Are you... ah, fuck." You swear, and start running your hand through your hair.

  
The alien's erratic breath starts slowing down, and he startes at you, unblinking and completely silent, his eight pupils dilated.

  
_"Hello?"_

  
You jump, and look around in confusion before looking back at the alien.

Oh, fuckin' hell.

You hate your life. You really do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone interested in reading the original rp? ALSO THIS IS REALLY CHOPPY?? WHY???


	3. ==> Karkat: befriend the alien boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alright, alright, so. Your alien boy is actually pretty nice.  
> ... Wait, "your"?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Yes the summary is lame and promises shipping but it lies. The shipping is Portal's cake. I'm trying not to make this too rushed, bear with me.)  
> This is way too short compared to the time it took me :^) hahaha I hate life
> 
> ((hey really quick note from me! jelly!! ur v good lazy artist friend! i just updated chapter two and added in some really old art! its not the best but im hoping to update this chapter next pretty soon too!! thank you everyone for reading this!!))

You jump, surprised. You had just gotten used to the idea that alien guy couldn't talk... but, hey. In theory, this actually makes things way easier. You don't think you'd be able to deal with a language barrier, on top of everything else, altough an alien speaking English makes as much sense as you speaking Hebrew, or something.

(Spoiler: you don't speak Hebrew, because it would make no shitslapping sense.)

In practice, you screech bloody murder and fall on your ass.

Truly charming, Vantas.

You two blink at each other, confused, before you utter a tiny "hi".

_"You can hear me?"_

Alright, so. Now that you actually paid attention to him while he talked (?), you can see that he didn't move his lips, and that whatever sound you thought you were hearing? You actually didn't hear it. So what...?

"I... uh... yes?" You look around nervously. "How are you doing that?"

_"Oh, haha, I wasn't even sure this would work (but it does so yay? (mental powers, I don't like to have to do this either (sorry)))!"_

He's a telepath. Go fucking figure. Nothing can ever be _easy_ for you, now can it?

"... Oh. So, you, uh. Like. Can hear what I'm thinking too? Or just what I'm saying? Because if it's the first one I'd rather keep my brain, as shitty as it is, in one piece _(this is fucking bullshit, what the fuck)_ , so try not to fry it." Right. Hiding your current psychological weakness under swearing and insults. That's good, it's not weird, you did it a lot of times, it's familiar. You can do this.

And he can probably hear your thoughts and see exactly how frail your nerves are right now.

Awesome.

_"I don't understand what you're saying, no (I kind of get the general meaning because you also think about it? Makes sense? (I don't think I'm able to fry your brain, but if you feel pain tell me, alright?))"_

 "Oh. Um. Yeah, I guess? _(weird, so weird)_ "

Alright, Vantas, time to look brave. Or at least not like a dark-skinned version of Dipper Pines. Whatever hysterical sentiment you wish to express, keep it well-hidden.

_(are you gonna eat me? oh god- why are you here)_

Wait, mind reader.

Shit.

Though, from his horrified face, you gather that your human flesh didn't extend an invite to his stomach. Or whatever alien equivalent to it.

_"WHAT??? (eating what no oh my Condesce no (ugh bad Empress)) why would I do that oh my (crashed separated from my friends (my beloved too) didn't mean to come here)"_

"Ok, ok. Jeez. Well, can you- ugh- fuck." You wince. You may be a wordy little shit, but master of suaveness you are not. "Shit, are you even real? Maybe I just hit my head really hard, fuck."

He shakes his head, eyes wide.

_"No, I'm real (I think so??? (more like Rhozze's kind of shit ugh)). I don't want to hurt you (I really don't (you brought me in here, so nice of you even though we're not even of the same caste))"_

_"(You think???)_ Okay, but shit-" Your brain chooses this second to starting to work again. 'Bout damn time. Also something he said is... highly worrying. "... You said you had friends? Are they- are they gonna come here to get you? Also- caste? Is that like- alien lingo for species?"

_"Physolophical stuff is not my forte (aaaaaaaagh what the fuck even am I saying?) yes, I have friends (is that so unbelievable? Hehe) I don't think they'll find me though (where am I, even???) and, no no not that kinda caste (actual caste you're red I'm blue (not that blue, but still blue). It's weird you'd help me??? (we're not even friends what do you care if I die.))"_

 "Well, they can't be that far from here, can they (Earth. It's Earth (it's fragile))? Can't you contact them from your ship?" Sounds weird that some hypertechnological alien would lack a radio of some sorts. "Caste still doesn't make sense though, dude."

You shift awkwardly. "Like, why are you blue? Is that normal for you guys, like, are you all blue?"

" _Not sure (radio could work (if the grub didn't die on the impact of course)), you said this is Earth (fragile?)? (I'm blue, there's no why/because, I just am (no, not all blue, I'm high up (lower than dirt now though?)), like, you're red, I'm blue (my/your eyes??? duh) isn't it obvious?)"_

"Grub?" You look at the back door. He has a grub in his ship? Ew. "Okay, crap, one thing at time. Are there... more people in your ship? _(Fuck, you better not call here other aliens unless they just want to take you back to wherever)_."

He shakes his head, grimacing. _"No, just me alone (sentient at least, it's not like the grub can think (not anymore poor kid)), we're not planning an invasion (taking an entire planet in four? Yeah right (we're not Her)). We were running away, we're not going back."_

 " _(Wait, does that mean it could at one point?!)_ Er. Good. Because. Because you're not allowed. Bringing more aliens here, I mean. _(I'll fucking kill you (no I won't, you have fangs and I'm a coward. Cluck cluck, motherfucker. I'm the best chicken, it's me), don't lie to me)._ Also, no offense but your planet is starting to sound more and more fucked up."

_"Alternia was a shitty place (still home, though). Do you really think I can lie to you (you're in my head, remember???)"_

...well, he _does_ have a point.

"Whatever. Now, what was that thing about being blue and me being red, again? Like. Is it some sort of rank? Is that it?" You bet red is the best. It's kind of the "cool" color, after all, isn't it?

You can't help but think about Power Rangers.

Note for self: don't imagine yourself in a neoprene suit ever again, if you know what's good for your sanity. Spoiler: it's not you in a neoprene suit.

_"Er. Yeah? Sorta. But- oh, no. Red isn't the best (poor rusts, for Her they're no more than cannon fodder (poor Davvid)), believe me."_

It kind of sounds like a... caste system, of sorts? You're not sure, you're not an expert on the matter, but that's what it sounds like. "Oh, um. We don't really have anything like that. I mean, kinda _(we used to. It wasn't based on eyecolor though, that's idiotic (... who the fuck is Davvid))_ , but not anymore. In theory, at least. Racial tensions..." you trail off lamely.

 _"It's not eyecolor dumbfuck, it's blood color (He's none of your businness)."_ To your surprise, he blushes darkly and crosses his arms defensively.

Things you can now truthfully say to have seen: a fanged alien pout like a toddler. It's ridicolous, and it makes you snort.

"What, is he your boyfriend?" You're just teasing him, but when he blushes even more you blink and your eyes kind of go wide.

_(Oh?)_

"Um, nevermind, I guess. So... Alternia, you said? _(Doesn't sound much like home, if you guys ran away like that)._ "

 He starts fidgeting a bit. _"It..._ was _home, in a way. Yes, it was horrible, but. My friends, my lusus... (I had to leave him behind, what will he do all alone? Poor thing)"_

A sigh. _"We never really wanted to leave. But we had to. She wanted us dead. I couldn't let my friends die."_

A flash of pain goes through his eyes. His eyes that are filling with tears and woah, suddently he doesn't look like a dangerous predator anymore. Suddently he's just. Some guy who barely counts as an adult and has just lost everything.

God, maybe you'll lose a hand but you can't just do _nothing_. After a few awkward seconds of look-at-him-look-away-and-repeat, you scoot closer and put a hand on his knee and pat, very gently.

"We'll. We can figure this out, okay? _(stop looking so sad, Jesus (fuck- dontcrydontcrydontcry I can't handle people crying please))_ "

 _"You really think so?"_ He dabs at his eyes and looks at you.

You try to smile reassuringly. You probably look like a walrus that just swallowed a lemon. "Yeah. I do."

He smiles back for all of three seconds, before blushing darkly. _"Dude. Uh. Are you flirting?"_

"WHAT THE FUCK NO. NO I MOST DEFINITELY AM NOT FLIRTING, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU."

He giggles quietly, you guess at your reaction, but his cheeks are still dark blue.

"What. Is wrong with you. Did your dad drop on your head as a baby? Repeatedly slam you against the wall until your IQ dropped drastically? Should I call child services? That was, most definitely, not flirting! Niet, no, nein, absolutely NOT."

Pause. Your ears are probably ruddy.

"... Is. Is _that_ flirting for you guys?"

Fuck your human curiosity, seriously.

_"Well... Yeah (You were papping me, dude (on the knee? Weird) how is that not flirting?)"_

"Ok, wow. Is empathy not a thing where you come from? I was trying to calm you down, I wasn't flirting!"

He opens and closes his mouth several times (so he _does_ have buckteeth. You thought you were imagining it...) effectively managing to look like a chocking fish. _"I. Okay. Wow, I'll just... blame a possibly inaccurate translation. Or something."_

He's bright blue, and no matter how much you press for an explanation he refuses to answer, so you just decide to move forward.

Although, to be completely honest, you are still incredibly curious.

 

 

* * *

 

 

You spend around ten minutes of following hour talking, and the remaining fifty trying to explain to each other things and expressions that apparently aren't part of the "universal experiences".

You learn that his name is Jhawnn (after a hour of trying to pronounce it, you still manage to mispronounce it in "John". It's okay though, since your own name coming from his throat sounds like a mess of growls and clicks), and that he loves biology.

You learn that he can see mental images too, when you think hard enough about it, and you decide to test it by thinking hard about your dog and see if he can see him. He can, and he's puzzled by the fact that Slick is black and small instead of white and big- characteristics he tells you are very common in animals on his planet, especially a particular race he calls "lusii", which you guess are some sort of pets.

You learn that he calls animals in a funny way (he made you see a flash of a huge, six-legged white salamander, which he called a "firebeast". Also he calls Slick a "barkbeast". It's just a bit adorable).

You learn that he's confused by the concept of your dad ("How is that weird? He's my father, he made me" _"Made you? Are you guys androids or something"_ "Jhawnn. What the hell.")

You learn that he's a troll, and finds hilarious the idea of the human troll dolls once you tell him about them.

You learn he has a weird, chirping laughter, and that he is, overall, a really nice kid.

You think that maybe, just maybe, this won't be so bad.

 

 

* * *

 

 

KARKAT: WAIT, SO YOU WERE RAISED BY A LIZARD?  
JHAWNN: what's wrong with that?  
KARKAT: JOHN.  
KARKAT: JWANN.  
KARKAT: FUCKIN' JUAN PEDRO RAMIREZ, I CAN'T PRONOUNCE YOUR DUMBASS NAME.   
KARKAT: WHAT KIND OF IDIOT NAME IS THAT.  
JHAWNN: (hehehe)  
KARKAT: STOP LAUGHING, ASSCACTUS.  
KARKAT: I DON'T SEE WHY YOU WOULD EVER LAUGH ABOUT THIS. IT'S NOT FUNNY. IT'S NEVER FUNNY. IT'S JUST A HORRIFYING TRAIN WRECK, WHERE THE TRAIN IS A MEANINGLESS, CACOPHONIC STRING OF SOUNDS COMING OUT OF THESE VERY LIPS, AND THE THING THE TRAIN CRASHES INTO, MESSILY KILLING ALL THE PEOPLE INSIDE OF IT, IS YOUR FUCKING SHITTY NAME. CONGRATS, JHAWNN, YOUR NAME JUST FUCKING MURDERED AT LEAST TEN INNOCENT FAMILIES. ARE YOU GONNA SEND THE FLOWERS TO THE MOURNING WIDOWS AND UNCONSOLABLE PARENTS? OF COURSE YOU AREN'T. BECAUSE YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE.  
JHAWNN: ... dude, that was hi{arious.  
JHAWNN: a{so, hey! you said it right this time!  
KARKAT: FOR FUCK'S SAKE.   
KARKAT: OKAY, LOOK. BACK TO THE ORIGINAL POINT. LIZARDS CANNOT RAISE KIDS. THAT'S WHAT PARENTS ARE FOR.  
JHAWNN: ...  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD, *WHAT*.  
JHAWNN: what's a parent?  
KARKAT: ... YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS.  
KARKAT: YOUR PARENTS, JHAWNN. YOU KNOW? THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE YOU? TAKE CARE OF YOU, WHATEVER?  
JHAWNN: so... {usi?  
KARKAT: NO. NO, YOUR PARENTS! YOU KNOW, ADULT TROLLS? OR WHATEVER.  
JHAWNN: ... why wou{d an adu{t ever raise a wrigg{er? adu{ts are scary, man. they'd pro8a8{y ki{{ me.  
KARKAT: ... I.   
KARKAT: WOW.  
KARKAT: THAT'S ACTUALLY REALLY SAD. LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT THIS ANYMORE.  
JHAWNN: okay...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I was trying to calm you down, I wasn't flirting!"  
> to John it probably sounded like "I was trying to press my lips to yours, I wasn't trying to kiss you"


	4. Blue blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That is, uh, quite a lot of blood...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is fucking short, I hate it.

"Wait, fuck. Your head was bleeding a whole fuckton lot. Are you okay?"

He blinks, surprised. _"Oh, um, I think it stopped bleeding? At least it doesn't hurt as much now."_ He touches the back of his head, wincing slightly as he probably touches the wound. _"Ouchie. Ok, yeah, it's not bleeding anymore."_

"Can I look at it?" You ask, surprising even yourself. You're still not completely comfortable with having a clear predator so close to you and, even if you were, your medical knowledge doesn't go any further than "apply bandage if you cut your finger", "put ice on bruise" and "beheading is probably bad".

However, you know that head wounds bleed a lot, so maybe you should at least check it's not drenching his hair anymore.

He stiffens, and looks at you in silence for a few seconds. Just as you're ready to babble a "nevermind", he nods, very slowly.

_"Yeah. Yeah, alright."_

You huff out a (slightly relieved) sigh and sit up, before crawling up to him. You gently prod the back of his skull until you find a bump, where you assume he hit his head. "Okay, well. It definitely isn't bleeding, at least."

He's very still, to the point of being tense. He flinches when you touch him, as careful as you're being, but doesn't pull away. You apologize quietly, stilling for a second as he winces when you touch the wound, probably not as gently as you should have. It's swollen, and definitely not a pretty sight (as much as his coarse hair, somewhat thicker and wirier than a human's, hides it), but it doesn't look too bad. Not lethal, at least.

It's dead quiet, and you can feel your cheeks heating up slightly at how weirdly... _intimate_ all this seems. John (fuck it, that's how you'll refer to him in your mind from now on) is still, quiet, his gaze fixated on the wall in front of him and a slight blue blush spreading on his cheeks.

"Uh, yeah. Hmm." You mumble. "Do you... want some ice?"

He blinks. _"Oh, uh. Sure, thank you (nice)."_

You stand, rubbing your jaw awkwardly before going to the kitchen. You open the fridge, looking around for ice.

...

No ice.

Fuck.

Okay, okay. There's a fuckton of frozen fruit (what? On ice cream it's delicious), which will be good enough, as soon as you wrap it in... something. A dish towel? Yeah, okay.

You walk back into the living room, and are greeted by the sight of the alien boy staring into the nothingness, gaze unfocused and a small, hurt frown on his lips.

Right. He's probably light and light years from home, and his friends are god-knows-where. Your can feel a sympathy pang in your heart, but force it away. You walk up to him and kneel, offering him the frozen fruit. "John? There you go."

His eyes snap open and he turns to look at you, taking the towel after a second. _"Oh, thank you."_ You notice he's being extra-careful not to point his claws at your bare skin. You guess it must be a way to be polite, for his people.

You mumble a bit, and then sit in front of him. "So, uh. Do you wanna lay down or something? And then we can figure everything out later, I guess."

He blinks, and then nods hesitantly. _"Huh, okay."_

"Okay, cool." You rub your eyes tiredly, then point at the couch vaguely. "Would the couch be okay? I can shut the door if you want- or you could stay in my room?"

His eyes go kind of wide, and he blushes slightly. _"The... couch? The couch is fine. Thanks for the offer, though (holy shit you invited me in your block (that's so nice of you agh (after this I wouldn't be able to hurt you even if I wanted to- not that I do!))"_

A matching blush, red instead of blue, spreads over your cheeks. Why is he so surprised about things that are, well.

Basic decency?

You get the feeling that his home planet wasn't such a great place.

"I mean. Thanks for not wanting to hurt me- fuck, god knows you'd be able to if you wanted. But- y'know what? You haven't really given me a reason not to trust you. I mean, your jokes are awful and you can be an irritating assbarnacle- so much that I'm starting to think that you suffer from a mild case of severe brain damage- but you're a nice kid. So, yeah."

You shrug. "Besides, it's not such a big deal for me. Or, uh, us."

He giggles, because he makes no sense and seems to have a masochistic crave for your insults. _"Yeah, I could (you're kinda squishy, man! (but I would never)). I guess I just keep forgetting you're an alien... but, believe me, on Alternia it'd have been a_ huge _deal (like, meet-the-lusus huge)."_

"Right, right. Because you guys are prudes and all that." You grow quiet and look away. "Uh, are you hungry, or something? (wait, can aliens eat normal food or)"

_"A bit (a lot (what do you guys even eat?))."_

You snort. "Look, let's see what I have in the fridge. If everything else fails I can try giving you Slick's food."

He laughs and stands. _"I don't eat lusus food! I'm not a grub anymore. But sure, let's see."_

* * *

 

You two move to the kitchen and start rummaging around, digging between the plastic containers and ancient leftovers like you're an archeologist looking for dinosaur bones.

Is that even what archeologists do? Maybe you should listen to Aradia more, but then again, you don't really care. If it's to make convoluted metaphors in your mind, it doesn't really matter, does it.

"I, uh. Have some curry." You hand it to him, and have to fight a smile as he opens the container, sniffs it and sneezes.

"You sneeze like a kitten."

 _"And you flirt like the drone's at the door."_ He playfully sticks out a grey tongue at you, making you smirk. _"So there you go."_

You roll your eyes and nod sarcastically. "Of course I'm flirting. Didn't you know that horns and shark teeth are heartthrob material for humans? Now, back to business." You point at the curry. "Is that fine?"

 _"Yeah. Yeah, I think it should be fine."_ He fetches a fork and tries it, humming in approval. _"Nice."_

"Can you guys even eat vegetables?" You ask, curiously.

_"Yeah, but they're not very nourishing. We usually only eat vegetables to avoid starvation."_

"Oh."

It's quiet as you search for something else to give to him, namely the meat morsels you keep to give Slick pills. "I also have these. You can have them, if you want."

He swallows and grins, a crickety trill coming from his troath. "Thank you!"

It's hard not to smile back, that with how happy he looks. "No problem (oh my god, nobody told me aliens could make cute bug noises-WAIT I DIDN'T MEAN TO THINK THAT, IGNORE THAT)"

Fuckin' hell, it's hard to look tough when the other can read your mind.

John's smile disappears, and he hides his face in his hands. You can clearly see the tips of his pointed ears turning blue. _"Oh my god, that was so- embarrassing, sorry (you think they're cute?)"_

"(y... yeah? (???)"

(?????)

"Does it, uh... mean something?"

 _"Just that I'm happy (but it's a pretty childish thing, I should have outgrown that by my fifth sweep (that's why it's embarrassing))."_ He chuckles sheepishly, face still blue. With all the blushing you both are doing, it'll be a miracle if both of you ever regain your normal skintone.

"John, of all things you have to be embarrassed of, a cricket squeal is not one of them. Believe me." You nod at the food, that sits forgotten on the table, and he laughs.

_"Uh, right. Food. Feeding is a thing that I should do. I forgot (whoooooooops)."_

You snort. "Dumbass. Hey, is that thing any good or...? Like. It's not making you sick, is it."

 _"Yeah. Your cooking is not so great, but it's not_ that _bad, man."_

"Fuck you."

_"I want my candlelight hatedate first."_

Through the mental link come other things, that he cannot seem to be able to put into words (or maybe he just doesn't want to).

He's eating someone else's food, and that is... shameful? It's a jab at his pride, but also something else. You're not the right person, you're not the one who should coddle him like that-

It occurrs to you that you don't actually know anything about your new friend.

* * *

 

KARKAT: YOU KNOW, I HALF-EXPECTED YOU TO EAT LIKE A FUCKING SAVAGE, BUT YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT A FORK IS.

KARKAT: I'M IMPRESSED.

JHAWNN: wow, racist.

KARKAT: OH, PISS OFF. YOU WERE LITERALLY RAISED BY AN ANIMAL, YOU DON'T GET TO ACT OFFENDED IF I'M SURPRISED YOU CAN ACT LIKE A CIVIL BEING.

JHAWNN: ... touchè, i guess.

JHAWNN: yeah we{{, the condesce gives te{escreens for free to every new8orn gru8. i guess for propaganda reasons, can't have peop{e not hear her words and {ive to 8ring gr8ness and prosperity to the empire, now can we?

JHAWNN: anyway, i think i {earned things {ike {anguage and stuff from that.

KARKAT: SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF 1984.

JHAWNN: what?

KARKAT: NOTHING.

KARKAT: MAKES SENSE THOUGH. I SORT OF WANTED TO ASK HOW YOU LEARNED TO TALK.

JHAWNN: we{{, now you know!

KARKAT: ... YEAH.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANYWAY like you may guess I had quite a shitty period lately! Yep, because for a number of factors, one of which being Tumblr (about that, I'm sorry jelly if I haven't answered to any hypotetical message you sent me, but my therapist told me to just... put my blog on pause, because that site is NOT good for my, or anyone's for that matter, mental health), my mood swings have been getting worse, and my anxiety and aggressivity spiked. Along with periods where I had to force myself even just to do things I usually like. That, and I kept forgetting about this story, because I'm an awful person. I have every intention of finishing this, just be aware that I'm not the most stable person, sadly, and it may take me a long time to update.  
> Anyway, I was reading a few fics and then my brain went like "HEY YOU DISGUSTING PIECE OF TRASH, REMEMBER THE LAST STORY YOU ABANDONED BECAUSE YOU'RE AN UNRELIABLE HO?"  
> And so I was like "fuck if I'm letting my brain bully me like this, I'mma finish that chapter". So here it is. Sorry for the rant.
> 
> Also, Merry Christmas! Or whatever you celebrate.


	5. The battery's alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WhaT THE HELL IS THAT THING INSIDE THE SHIP

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: complains about short chapters  
> Also me: ends chapters early because it seems like a good point to end it
> 
>  
> 
> Fair warning: the s key seems not to be working so well... or maybe I just can't type. So if you don't see an "s" that is supposed to be there, it's because of one of these two reasons.
> 
> Also I know literally nobody cares but!!! This year I finished high school and I'm going to study natural sciences!!! I'm so excited aaaaaaaaaaaaah  
> Also I got rid of a toxic friendship, which is always good, and got into a new fandom, which is always bad, but oh well.

It's... weird. A stream of endless gratitude has been coming from John for the past thirty minutes, time he spent eating quietly. 

You kind of want for it to stop. 

It's nice, knowing he thinks of you as a friend (or, at least, as a friendly acquaitance), but the mess of " _karkat is so nice!"_ s and " _hoo boy he even gave me food"_ s are making your heart feel funny. Honestly, it may be flattering, but it's also kind of embarrassing. 

Not to mention, the overall positive feelings John is sending are kind of spoiled by a bitter undertone. 

Guilt.

Yes, he feels guilty about accepting stuff from you; because you gave your food to him, but also because-

Red. 

Because red. That's all you can get out of the jumbled mess of his _feelingthoughtphrases_. Or, actually, Red, capital R. 

You're confused, but you chalk it up to cultural differences. Like you have few of those, huh? 

After a few minutes, you finally find the courage to speak up. "Hey, so." He hums questioningly and looks up. "Would you mind if I let my dog back in?"

He gulps down the food, and nods. _"Oh, sure. Not a problem."_

You move toward the door, but stop before opening it. "Uh. Here's a fair warning: Slick is an asshole. Also you're not only a stranger, but an alien too; I have no idea what he's going to do, so... just- be prepared, alright? I don't want any more blood on the fucking carpet, alright?"

At that, his eyes widen slightly, looking a bit anxious, but he nods again, and you walk into the other room, leading your ~~cunt with paws~~ dog into the sitting room. You hold him from his collar, which is a good thing since, when he sees John, he goes apeshit crazy and starts barking at him.

The alien doesn't look excessively worried, instead looking at the animal with his infamous curious gaze + head tilt combo.

After a few seconds, he kneels slowly, and starts making some kind of soft, crooning sound. Taken aback, you still, blinking, and it looks like Slick is also surprised, because he stops barking almost immediately. He keeps growling at the boy, though... for all of five seconds, before tilting his head right back at John. It's kind of ridicolous, but you don't feel much like laughing right now, worried that either your dog or your guest may end up seriously maimed.

Er, more maimed, in Slick's case.

Seriously, what kind of dog is such a vindictive little shit that even after losing an eye and a leg, in _two different situations_ , still insists in being such an aggressive asshole? And, people may think that you're exagerating in using all these... less than flattering adjectives to describe your dog, but honestly.

Slick is the worst. You love him to death, but he's the worst.

Which also explains your reclutance to make him meet your new friend, and how you stiffen when you realize that Slick has taken advantage of your surprise to slip away from your grasp.

However, instead of attempting to eat John's nose, he just walks up to him and sniffs his face, even letting (after some more growling) him pet his head.

You grimace a bit as he huffs in John's face, probably getting dog snot on him in the process, but the boy just chuckles and keeps petting him.

"Are you... communicating with him, or something?"

He looks up at you, smiling. " _Sort of? I'm sending him my thoughts, but... I have no idea if anything is actually going through. I don't have an animal-communication psi, so what I can do is limited_."

"Hold up. There are people who can talk with animals, where you live?" Damn. Now you wish you could do that (if only to finally discover what that crazy mutt thinks).

He nods, scratching Slick's ears (much for the furball's joy). " _Yeah. It's mostly a bronzeblood psi, though. I'm a cerulean, so my psi allows me to control people, but not animals. Or, uh, at least that's what it should do... I'm not good at the controlling thing, like, at all_."

 ... Okay, that's a bit creepy.

" _I have no idea if he can understand me, but I told him we're (acquaitances, friends, enemies?), but not hostiles._ "

At this, you pause. That word.

... You have no idea what it means.

It seems to have opposite meanings, but not like... not like it can mean two different things, based on the context. More like it means at the same time two completely different things, rolled up under a wider umbrella.

"Yeah, you just lost me. Again. Kudos."

At that, he rolls his eyes.

" _Oh, what is it now? Have I hurt your human sensibilities in any way?_ "

"No, just. What did that word mean? Like. Friends but also enemies?"

Silence, both physical and mental. For a second, you think you broke him.

" _Uh...? (something is_ so _getting lost in translation)_ "

"Okay, okay, wait. I think I get the issue. Do you call people you don't like and people you like with the same word?"

" _You don't?_ "

"Jesus Christ, of course not. What kind of dumbass language uses the same word to indicate two opposite things?"

What kind of dumbass society thinks friends to be the same as enemies, more like.

John just shrugs. " _I dunno. That's just how it is. Besides, they raise us telling us not to trust anybody except our (partners/close friends/family), because most trolls will turn their back on you and even kill you if they consider it benefitial enough._ "

"Oh." You shudder slightly, and it must show on your face because he looks away, uncomfortable.

"Is murder that normal up there?"

" _Yeah, it is. Alternia is pretty brutal with the weak, if you die you clearly weren't worth saving._ "

"... Did... have you ever killed someone?"

He hesitates, as if trying to judge whether he's about to say the right thing, and this fills you with even more nervousness.

" _... No (maimed a girl once though (I mean, she kind of wanted to kill me and my lusus, but)). I'm kind of an outlier, though._ "

You are kind of relieved, but this conversation is also making you somewhat sad. You pet Slick absent-mindedly. "Sounds pretty harsh, yeah."

Ok, sure, your family never really had it easy. Your mom had died when you were barely two years old, and you and dad had moved to America almost right after to escape the... well, the everything. And while your father was an english teacher back "home", getting used to living in a completely new country, especially with your financial issues, was difficult. More than.

You can only guess that your prickly, defensive personality comes partly from having your slight (really slight, it was barely audible) accent and hand-me-down clothes commented on one time too many.

But still, your story was (at least in America) some kind of exception; and even then, even in war... even with the bombing, the civil wars... _nothing_ of that was supposed to happen. When some atrocity happens, people are shocked, outraged by it, just how they're supposed to be. Your- _dad_ 's home once was a beautiful place, a beautiful place that had gone corrupted.

From John's stories, Alternia is not like that.

It's not just a country split apart by a civil war, bombed by a foreign force to "defeat terrorism", divided by religious conflicts. What for Earth is a state considered only belonging to an underdeveloped country, or one in a state of war, for Alternia is the default state, the expected one. The _encouraged_ one, even!

And John-

John just doesn't look like he belonged there. He's way too sweet, always worried about scaring you, way too curious about anything human and Earth-related, too cheerful and just, too much of a dork.

Then again, maybe that's why he escaped.

" _You know, I actually had it relatively easy compared to others._ "

You look up. John is not watching you, his eyes glazed over like he's deep in thought.

" _My caste_ ( 8}ue) _kept most trolls away (didn't want to be culled for an offence to a highblood). Didn't help with loneliness, but oh well._ "

His empty tone makes you wince. "Jesus. (was it really okay for you to kill anyone you wanted?)"

" _No, not anyone (purples and violets were still off-limits (higher than me (especially violets)). Just anyone under me (the authorities might throw a hissy fit if I kill somebody useful but that'd be about it)._ "

 "That's what the authorities are for up there? Talk about being useless."

" _They aren't useless! They culled the people who didn't follow the rules, duh._ "

He laughs a bit, before quieting down suddently.

"... John?"

" _Is it weird, that I miss Alternia?_ "

You don't know what to answer, so you just shrug and focus on a white hair in Slick's fur.

* * *

After that, you don't talk much, choosing instead to rimuginate over what you've told each other.

 Honestly, the more you hear about Alternia, the worse it sounds. Makes it not surprising at all that John and his friend decided to leave, but doesn't make things any easier. If anyone sees the ship in your lawn- 

You shudder slightly. That wouldn't end well. Okay, sure, you only have movies and books to base your assumptions on, since to your knowledge aliens have never _actually_ landed on Earth, but let's be honest here: humans may not be as violent and brutal as trolls seem to be, but they can be nasty motherfuckers all the same.

They would take the ship, and probably put you in prison, and  _definitely_ take John and use him as a guinea pig.

A very big, very humanoid guinea pig which may not be able to speak English or any human language but can feel pain and understand when he's being experimented on-

No. 

Focus, Karkat.

Breathe. 

This is not the moment for a freakout.

But still, you can't afford people seeing the ship, or (god forbid) John himself. There is only so much that can reasonabily pass for an eerily realistic cosplay, and blue blood and odd muscles arrangements (you have _not_ been perving on him, okay? His suit just leaves _very_ little to the immagination, is all) cross the line by a wide margin.

You need to find a way to fix his ship, and soon.

"John?"

" _Hm?_ "

" _Do you know how to fix your ship?_ "

" _No_."

Another few minutes of silence.

"Can one of your friends fix your ship?"

A pause, and a wave of sorrow and loneliness comes from him. Your heart doesn't ache at all at that, no siree.

"...  _Maybe. But she's not here_."

Another pause.

His brow furrows, and he starts chewing on his lower lip, looking thoughtful. 

"What is it?"

He stands (worrying you when he wobbles a bit), and looks at the living room's door. He mumbles something, obviously to himself as he doesn't even bother translating, before walking out of the room.

Rude.

Peeved, you follow him into your back lawn, and after a millisecond of hesitation, grab his shoulder.

"John, I asked you a damn question in case you haven't noticed."

He almost jumps at your touch, but at least has the decency to turn to face you and look sheepish. " _Oh, um, sorry. I just thought- if the grub is alive, maybe I could actually send my friends a message. Granted, the radio may not be functioning, but it's worth a shot, I guess._ "

"... And you thought of that only now?"

He rolls his eyes. " _I mean, head trauma doesn't really help you make clear reasonings_."

"Point."

With a low chuckle, John turns toward the steel (?) capsule, and start circling it, obviously searching for something. He makes another cute noise _(oh shut up it's not cute)_ of triumph when he finally finds it. He presses a hand on the capsule's wall, and a panel opens. 

Obviously curious about what the innards of a spaceships may look like, you walk closer, and peek inside.

Only to promptly flip the fuck out.

* * *

 

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK

JHAWNN: karkat, ca{m down!

KARKAT: FUCK NO I AM NOT CALMING DOWN

KARKAT: IT'S A BUG

KARKAT: IT'S A GIANT BUG WITH A HUMANOID FACE AND THOSE ARE WIRES

JHAWNN: uhhh, karkat? you {ook kinda pa{e... is that norma{?

KARKAT: OH GOd i think i'm going to

JHAWNN: KARKAT????????

JHAWNN: ... oh condesce

**Author's Note:**

> I did my best. First chapter is very short, but it's more of a prologue and a first attempt at trying HTML.
> 
> Head writer: sarcasticGear
> 
> Plot: sarcasticGear/Jellyfishmurderer
> 
> Art: Jellyfishmurderer


End file.
